Visitation can be one of the
hardest factors of a temporary order or divorce decree to
implement. It is just a fact that there are those who would use
visitation as a weapon to get back at their former spouse. Fact
is, this "weapon" will eventually turn against them. Remember, the
child will be 18 one day and will move out of the home. It is at
that time and beyond that childhood memories will come back upon
the that used visitation as a weapon. Unless there is good
reason for it, don't use visitation as a weapon. Don't
withhold visitation. Be advised, that the former spouse can and
possibly will go to Court to seek modification or change in
custody if you use visitation as a weapon. Encourage your former
spouse to be an involved parent. Encourage your child's
relationship with their other parent. The following article was
provided by Lesia Oesterreich, M.S.; Family Life Extension
Specialist; Human Development and Family Studies; Iowa State
University
"For both parents and children, visitation is critical to
maintaining a sense of connectedness both during and after a
divorce. But in the early stages of family restructuring and
co-parenting, it is frequently a source of conflict.
If former spouses want revenge, finding ways to spoil a visitation
is easy. If they want to help their children through a difficult
transition, they will find ways to make visitation successful.
For visitation to work, both parents need to accept and
acknowledge that their children have two homes - one with their
father and one with their mother. Parents need to make sure that
their children are safe and comfortable in both places, even if
they don't spend equal time there. They need to help make the
transition from one home to the other smooth and calm. They also
need to make sure they are being consistent in rules and
discipline.
Constructive Parenting Goals
The following guidelines are
examples of parenting goals that can help children grow into
healthy, happy, whole people.
Both parents should encourage visitation to help their children
grow in positive ways. Children need to know it is OK to love both
parents. In general, parents should treat each other with respect
for their children's benefit. Each parent should respect the
other's child-raising views by trying, when possible, to be
consistent. For example, if one parent strongly opposes toy guns
for small children, the other should take this into account when
buying gifts Each parent is entitled to know where the children
are during visitations. They should also know if the children are
left with other people such as babysitters or friends when the
other parent is not there. Parents should try to agree on their
children's religious education, as well as who is responsible for
overseeing it. Parents should tell each other their current
addresses and home and work phone numbers. Both parents should
realize that visita-tion schedules may change as children age and
their needs change.
Tips for Smooth Visitations
Be as flexible as possible with
schedules.
Treat your former spouse with
respect.
Help children feel safe and
comfortable in both homes.
Develop routines to give children
a sense of security.
Maintain open communication lines
with your former spouse.
Don't question your children's
loyalty.
Help make the transition from one
home to the other smooth and calm.
Discuss rules and discipline with
your former spouse so you are consistent.
Child Custody: Visitation dos
The following suggestions represent
strategies parents can use to achieve parenting goals.
Be flexible about visitation
schedules
Give the other parent advance
notice of changes in your schedule.
Remember to give the other parent
your vacation schedule in advance.
Remember that your children may
have plans that could affect your visitation schedule.
Make visitation a normal part of
life
Find activities that give you and
your children an opportunity to build your relationship. Allow
time together without planned activities just to "hang out."
Provide a balance between fun and
responsibility for your children.
Encourage visitation that
includes grandparents and extended family.
Make sure your children have
their own places in your home even if it is just part of a room
so they feel it is also their home.
Help your children meet other
kids in your neighborhood so they have friends at both homes.
Try to keep a routine schedule to
help prepare your children for visitation. Have a checklist of
items such as clothing and toys that your children need to take
on visitations. If the children are old enough, they can help
pack. If it's appropriate, allow your children to bring friends
along occasionally. Spend individual time with each of your
children.
Show respect for your former
spouse and concern for your children.
Be on time.
Inform your former spouse if a
new person such as a babysitter or romantic partner will be part
of the visitation.
Share changes in your address,
home and work phone numbers, and in your job with your former
spouse.
Child Custody: Visitation
don'ts
Some parents use visitation to
achieve destructive goals. These are goals based on revenge, such
as one parent hurting the other or disrupting his or her life. To
achieve those goals, parents may use destructive behaviors that
can create a more hostile environment and seriously damage
relationships. Destructive strategies can be deeply hurtful to
children caught in the middle. Following are tips for avoiding
destructive behavior.
Don't refuse to communicate with
your former spouse.
Don't use your children to relay
divorce-related messages on issues such as child support. Those
issues should be discussed by adults only.
Don't make your children
responsible for making, canceling, or changing visitation plans.
Those are adult responsibilities.
Don't use your children to spy on
your former spouse.
Don't fight with the other parent
during drop-off and pickup times. Deal with important issues
when your children cannot overhear.
Don't disrupt your children's
relationship with their other parent.
Don't make your children feel
guilty about spending time with their other parent.
Don't use visitation as a reward
for good behavior, and don't withhold it as punishment for poor
behavior.
Don't tell your children you will
feel lonely and sad if they visit their other parent.
Don't withhold visitation to
punish your former spouse for problems such as missed child
support payments. Withholding visitation punishes your children,
who are not guilty.
Don't withhold visitation because
you feel your former spouse doesn't deserve to see the children.
Unless a parent is a genuine threat, adults and children need to
see each other.
Don't use false abuse accusations
to justify withholding visitation.
Don't let activities such as
sports and hobbies interfere with the time your children spend
with their other parent. Your former spouse can transport the
children to those activities if needed and can sometimes
participate.
Don't pressure your children
about leaving clothes or toys at their other parent's home. The
children need to feel they belong in both places.
Don't falsely claim that your
children are sick to justify withholding visitation.
Don't withhold phone calls to
your children from their other parent.
Don't put down the other parent's
new romantic partner.
Don't allow your anger to affect
your relationship with your children.
Don't hurt your children by
failing to show up for visitation or by being late.
Don't spoil your children to buy
their loyalty and love.
Don't let your children blackmail
you by refusing to visit unless you buy them something.
Don't try to bribe your
children.
Don't feel you need to be your
children's buddy for visitations to be successful. Your children
need you to be a parent.
Don't try to fill every minute of
a visit. Allow some down time for routine activities such as
cooking or laundry, or quiet time just to be together.
All of these visitation don'ts
undercut children's ability to develop an open and supportive
relationship with both parents. One of the best ways to support
children involved in a separation or divorce is to do what you can
to make visitations go smoothly.
Focusing on visitation dos is a first step in helping children
adjust."
References
Wallerstein, Judith S. and Joan Berlin Kelly. 1980. Surviving the
Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope With Divorce.
Basic Books.
Wallerstein, Judith S. and Sandra Blakeslee. 1990. Second Chances:
Men, Women and Children A Decade After Divorce -
Who Wins, Who Loses - and Why. Ticknor & Fields, N.Y
